Kings: Slaying the Giant

Kings: "Goliath"

Before I discuss the pilot episode of Kings, I must begin by saying that the kid who plays David (Chris Egan) reminds me so much of Rolf (Daniel Truhitte) from The Sound of Music that it's distracting. I keep expecting him to belt out, "I am seventeen going on eighteen; I'll take care of you!" and dance around a gazebo. I can't be the only one who sees this. Here they are side by side:

Now, as for Kings, I'm not totally sure how I feel about the show. I love The Tudors, so a new show featuring intrigue in the court of a royal monarchy seems promising (especially since it's a show that I don't need Showtime to watch). It's also very intriguing that Kings tells the story of a modern kingdom ruled by a monarch. It seems modern monarchies usually only show up in pop culture in ridiculous teen movie like The Princess Diaries or The Prince & Me. But from the looks of it, Kings' Kingdom of Gilboa is nothing like Princess Mia's Genovia.

I think my main complaint about Kings is that it's really dense. I spent most of the episode trying to figure out the history behind this whole King Silas business. After all, since this isn't The Tudors and this stuff didn't really (more or less) happen, you can't just Wikipedia the names of characters to help you understand what's going on. Plus, the show also uses a lot of (sometimes rather heavy-handed) religious allusions, so that adds even more for viewers to wade through.

Is the show worth all the effort? I'm not sure yet, but I think it might be. It's certainly interesting. King Silas sure seems to be quite the character, I'm thinking that you probably don't want to mess with the queen, Prince Jack is basically Chuck Bass with a few interesting twists, and I liked the chemistry between Daniel and Princess Michelle. I think that the show would be better if they dial back the politics a tad and up the soapiness quotient, but that might just be my personal preference.

Specific thoughts and highlights:

• The capital is called Shiloh? Are we supposed to search for context clues in the Neil Diamond song? Or is it a reference to Shiloh Jolie-Pitt?
• Rev. Samuels: "You are very polite, David."
  David: "It's just how I was raised."
  Rev. Samuels: "Do something about that before you grow up."
• Butterflies? Really?
• So the king was a soldier who was raised up into being a monarch? That's interesting.
• Dude, this David kid is seriously badass.
• David Shepherd? Seriously? Isn't that allusion a little heavy-handed? (Especially since Lost is already using that Shepherd one.)
• Whoa, the queen's assistant is displaying a lot of cleavage! This isn't The Tudors. I'm glad the queen had a problem with that too.
• So, is it a coincidence that the king's son acts like Chuck Bass and is played by Sebastian Stan (Carter from Gossip Girl), who is Leighton Meester's real-life boyfriend? Doubtful. I do have to say though that I thought Sebastian was really good in this episode. I guess GG wasn't utilizing his full range by just having him steal money from Nate and get beat up at cotillion.
• He's the freaking king of Gilboa--of course he has a tailor!
• Queen: "Why is it that pretty people are always so bad with details?"
• Not the butterfly story again. This is getting old. (Prince Jack agrees with me.)
• Rev. Samuels: "You're drinking a single malt that God himself only takes out of the cabinet once a year."
• Oh, look, David's a master pianist too! Is there anything this kid can't do?
• King Silas: "Ahh, half my kingdom it is."
• Eesh, so it turns out that King Silas rules with an iron fist. That guy got offed just for standing up too soon.
• Princess: "The human will can take ashes and turn it into ice cream."
• OMG! The prince is gay! I didn't see that coming. I fell for his womanizer act. Aww, poor kid.
• Oh geez--invading right after you sign a peace treaty? That's ballsy (and rather immoral).
• Who was this "whore" that the king loved and "gave up"? I wonder how long until she shows up... Ahh, all of 5 minutes. They sure telegraphed that reveal. And a secret kid too! Silas must be doing a lot of controlling of the press if no one's figured all this out yet.
• Oh, Silas means business when he starts using the royal "we" pronoun.
• Silas wants the Rev. Samuels to declare a fast? Seriously?
• Silas set up the whole kidnapped soldiers thing in the first place (thus almost getting his own son killed).
• Ok, David, hate to argue with you here since you're clearly so distressed, but you are brave. Nobody else went running into the enemy camp to try to rescue the hostages.
• Ok, so you can force a new peace on two countries by going out in the middle of the field and giving a long, flowery speech?
• Silas: "The king's brother-in-law came to congratulate him on the truce."
• Hey, I'll trade this war for another one, because maybe I'll actually understand what's going on in the new one.
• Ha--the queen purposely stages little shows for the press to make it looks like Jack screws all her secretaries.
• Well, of course Jack is going to be in on the plot to overthrow Silas. Any good coup needs somebody with a claim to the thrown.
• Um, David, you probably shouldn't go talk to the princess while you know her dad is watching.
• Oh no, here come the butterflies. This is getting a little silly.

(photos: David--nbc.com; Rolf--Robert Wise Productions for Twentieth Century-Fox Corp.)

Kyle XY: Kyle of the Pure and Beautiful Soul

Kyle XY:

My thoughts on the third-to-last and second-to-last episodes of the series.

"The Tell-Tale Heart"

Kyle and Jessi spend some intense moments in the bathtub trying to figure out what really happened to Jessi's mom.

• Oh, geez. Frankly I'm surprised that Amanda didn't walk into to see Kyle and Jessi hugging, etc. She normally gets to witness that sort of behavior.
• The Tragers don't mind if two of their kids cuddle all night?
• I didn't know that Kyle could sleep out of the tub.
• Why didn't Steven bother to explain to Josh why letting Andy move in with them is not a option? He just said no and left it at that, which seemed dumb and mean.
• Jessi: "I can make him tell us what he knows."
  Kyle: "That not acting normal."
  Jessi: "It is for me."
• Declan walking in on Lori while she was dancing was funny.
• Lori: "For all I know, she lured him out of the house to some remote cabin to turn him into her love slave."
• Kyle should have come up with a more interesting distraction than a computer program.
• Declan's actually cracking me up in this episode.
• How did Declan not foresee that locking Lori and Hillary up together would eventually backfire on him?
• Lori (to Hilary): "Maybe you should think twice before leaving home with half an outfit."
• Well, Kyle, you're not really invading Jessi's privacy if you were there for all of the memories in the first place.
• Shut up about Kyle and Adam Baylin, Amanda! Geez--this is why Kyle can't tell you anything; you have no filter.
• Seriously, Nicole, what kind of doctor are you going to call to help Jessi?
• It sucks that it turned out that Jessi's mom is dead, but on the bright side, Jessi did get to spend a lot of time in the tub with Kyle.
• Screenwriting 101: If you introduce the materials for a food fight in an episode, they've got to be put to use before the episode is over.
• There must have been lots of storage space on Sarah's disposable cell phone.
• Oh, Nicole, like you didn't see the Kyle/Jessi kiss coming. You should have, anyway.

"Guess Who's Coming to Dinner"

The Children of the Pod enact a plan to find out why Cassidy killed Sarah and what Latnok is really up to.

• Oh geez! Jessi's sleep-choking Kyle! Dude, enter her bedroom at your own risk...
• Oh, Amanda, it's looking like you're toast. This Kyle/Jessi thing does not seem to be going away.
• Spock ears are going to impress Andy?
• Shouldn't Kyle and Nicole have made sure that they were having this conversation somewhere that Jessi wouldn't overhear it? I mean, the girl hears everything.
• Why does Nate partnering with Kyle on a project ingratiate him with Amanda? It wouldn't impress me much. If anything, I think I'd be uncomfortable that my new boyfriend and my ex-boyfriend were spending time together. But I am not Amanda...
• Oh, Jessi, yes, you are as fragile as Nicole thinks.
• Jessi: "Kyle kissed me."
  Lori: "Eew."
• Lori: "Because it's Kyle of the pure and beautiful soul, and we want whats best for him."
• See, Jessi? You are fragile. Everything everybody says upsets you immensely.
• Andy: "It makes me sad to think that his ambition might stop when I leave." Wow, Andy, you're kind of full of yourself, aren't you?
• Wow, Andy's moms just create one annoying situation after another for their poor daughter, don't they?
• Hold on--Cassidy's first name is Michael? As in Michael Cassidy of The O.C., Hidden Palms and Privileged? If that's really his name, couldn't we just have had Michael Cassidy play him?
• I like Lori's outfit. It looks very professional. Oh, except for the visible bra straps.
• Ugh, Jessi. Why must you be like this?
• Lori doesn't eat cooked fruit?
• Eew. Nicole is worried about Kyle and Jessi being romantically involved while living in the same house, but meanwhile Josh is having sex with his girlfriend in a coffee shop? Eew.
• Oh, come on! It's not Jessi's fault that she killed the hunter! She didn't know what was going on. She had just gotten out of the pod, and she was alone.
• Kyle, if there's ever a time to tell someone to get the hell out of your house, now's it.
• Cassidy: "You've spent an excessive amount of time being her anchor. That's got to be draining."
• Um, Cassidy, I'd watch where you're going. You know Jessi's going to come after you, right?
• Oh, Josh and Andy are sneaking into his house to have sex. That's a little better than doing it right in the coffee shop, I guess...if for no other reason than it has to be a major health code violation.
• Cassidy: "You need help."

  Jessi: "Actually, I think you do."
• Jessi has quite a future as a torturer...
• Whoa, how did Kyle throw Jessi against the wall just by holding his hand up? And how would that kill her? Jessi should be able to stand up to a lot more than that...
• Ahh! It's all an elaborate trick! And Foss is in on it! Yea, Foss!
• Wow, Cassidy is dumb if he can be fooled by two pod kids who are unable to lie.
• Kyle: "I hadn't had much experience with lying. But when it was necessary, it turned out I was good at it."

I can't believe there's only one more episode of Kyle XY left. It feels like there is way too much left to resolve. I mean, we don't even know who Cassidy's Latnok bosses are, so taking down the whole organization in one episode seems like too tall of an order. Plus there's the whole Kyle/Jessi/Amanda situation, which seems like it will need a couple more years to fully play out into any sort of conclusion. And Lori and Declan seem like they might be sliding back into like with each other, but getting them back together in one episode would seem like it was rushing things.

This article indicates that we're not going to get the full closure we'd like, since the Kyle XY producers didn't know the show was going to be canceled after this season. Seems like ABC Family could have at least given them a heads-up so that they could give the show a proper ending. I certainly think that ABC Family owes at least that much to this show, which was instrumental in establishing a new brand for the network. Wildfire met a similar situation last year, and--while the ending was a little rushed--at least that show was able to reach acceptable conclusions for most of its main plot points. It doesn't look like Kyle will be as lucky, and we Kyle fans will just have to take whatever resolution we can get.

No matter how the series wraps up, I know I'll be sad to say goodbye to Kyle.

(photo: abcfamily.com)

Damages: Looking in Closets

Damages: "Uh Oh, Out Come the Skeletons"

Boy, could this episode title apply to every single episode of Damages ever!

The play-by-play:

• Nooooo, Ellen, don't go to Wes' up-state cabin!
• So what's the secret angle involving the FBI Agent #1's divorce? Because there's seriously something up with that.
• Whoa! FBI Agent #1 was watching Ellen's "6 month later" conversation with Patty! (And the subsequent gun shots!)
• I'm glad that the FBI guys don't understand this energy trading scheme either.
• So, Patty's son (Michael) didn't actually apply to colleges (I'm speculating on that one), and he has a secret girlfriend? I figured he had to be up to some shenanigans by now. The kid is trouble.
• Why do Stan and Walter always seem to meet in the bathroom?
• Um, is Claire showing a bit too much boob for a work function? She looks like freaking Serena van der Woodsen on a trip to Yale!
• Ahh, yes, Walt's integrity is just astounding.
• Holy moly, is that Michael's girlfriend? She's awesome!
• I thought "Pam's" phone voice sounded a little manly in that earlier scene. So what's this dude (FBI Agent #1) up to?
• Oh, yeah, I forgot that Ellen had the same mom at George O'Malley.
• Pathmark! They have those in Delaware! Where does Ellen's family live?
• You can't tell your employees to "live their lives on their own time" one second and then ask them personal questions the next, Patty!
• Phil: "So what are we thinking? Schizoid? Skinhead? Scientologist?"
• Holy crap, that's not the fun piercing girl! This lady's like 40! (Ph. D. in 1988? Is that what she said? That makes her, what, 45? She doesn't look 45. I hope I misheard.)
• At least Claire is displaying less cleavage for the lunch with her father. Well, marginally less cleavage anyway.
• If you're trying to pull something shady, you probably shouldn't live with another FBI agent.
• Who wants to know stuff about the Patty Hewes investigation? Is it Patty? Is that how she knew about the infant mortality case? I don't think she knew for sure what was up with that though. Maybe it's Tom? Holy crap, would it be nice to see Tom not just being Patty's doormat for once!
• Patty: "Mention that name to your boss, and whatever settlement figure he's authorized, tell him to triple it. Then we'll start boring each other from there." (Patty, being badass again.)
• Katie!!!!!
• Ellen sexed-up her hair to go out.
• Oh no, Drunk Ellen is bad news. It's nice to see her acting like something other than a balled-up wad of nerves for a change, but this is kind of a disaster.
• Wow, Daniel and Claire aren't as dumb as they look. They figured this whole energy trading scheme out extremely quickly. (And, added bonus, I now understand it too! Yea!)
• Thank goodness the only person who went home with Ellen was Katie! I love Katie's sweater.
• Don't talk to Katie, Ellen! I love the girl, but she has no filter! She just blurts out all the important secrets at the drop of a hat (like Amanda from Kyle XY).
• Well, if that wasn't a tacit admission from Walter that Aracite is toxic, I don't know what is.
• Ugh, Michael's lady friend (cougar) is annoying.
• Patty: "You will break his heart, and when you do, I'll rip your face off."
• Eeew! Who was the unfortunate sap who had to watch Claire and Daniel getting busy? Yucko.
• Oh dear, who were the people in the FBI Agent #2's house?
• Hey, Ellen, check in Wes' closet while you're there!
• It does sound like Ellen's rocking a southern accent in this scene (just like I thought last week when they showed the previews)! "I'm gonna lose my mind!" She sounds like Blanche DuBois!
• Well, it's not the end of the world that she's telling this to Wes, since he already knows it all anyway (more or less). If anything, it might score her some sympathy with him and make him less inclined to off her.
• Rick! Scruffy's name is Rick!
• Hmm, what did Wes do that Scruffy Rick knows about that would send him to jail for the rest of his life?
• So Stan is paying off FBI Agent #1 and killed FBI Agent #2? Who the hell is this guy, anyway?
• There goes my hope that Tom's not being a doormat for once...
• Ok.....Did Ellen shoot Patty but not thoroughly enough to prevent her from stumbling out to the elevator in a daze? Or did Ellen shoot somebody else whose blood Patty got on her hands before she stumbled out to the elevator? Oh, but in this episode before-the-theme-song clip, both Ellen and Patty confirm that it is "just the two of [them]" in the room. (Unless they're both trying to hide the presence of someone else...) This is soooooooo complicated. It's amazing how they can show you what happened, but you still don't know what the hell's going on.
• In any event, you gotta love the symmetry of Patty now ending up bloody in Ellen's elevator, as last season's iconic image was Ellen bloody in Patty's elevator.
• I'm confused about something else (HUGE understatement). Ellen was approached by the FBI before any of this UNR stuff existed. So the FBI was after Patty pre-UNR. Stan's interest seems to be with UNR. Was he paying off the FBI guy pre-Patty/UNR? Why did he want to see Patty go down before she even started messing with UNR?

Wow, there are only three more episodes left in this season! So something will start making sense soon, right? Nah, that's probably wishful thinking.

Privileged: That's (Maybe) All She Wrote

Privileged:
"All About the Brand New You!"

So, is this the last episode of Privileged ever? Kinda seems like it (especially since The CW keeps announcing new pilots that they are developing). If this is the last we see of Megan, Rose, Sage, etc., the show didn't exactly wrap everything up all nice and pretty for us (namely by ending with a cliffhanger of Megan in bed with a random Brit). But, honestly, how much do I care? Not a whole lot. If Megan and Charlie aren't going to get together, I don't have a whole lot of invested interest in the outcome of this show.

So let's do some bullets and let the chips fall where they may:

• I hear Lily Allen!
• Eew, Kathy Griffin. Seriously?
• Marco: "Do doves remind you of Jesus?"
• Hey, wait: are Megan, Sage, and Rose actually going to study?!
• Sage: "Apparently Rose's quest to become independent has turned her into a middle aged divorcee."
• Megan: "You decided to kill us and leave our bodies in the woods?"
• Oh no, Rose is going on a wilderness expedition! Who does she think she is? John Locke?
• Megan doesn't know what spelunking is? And she graduated from Harvard?
• I hear more Lily Allen.
• Rose is going to eat antelope? Eew.
• Jo Jo: "I mean, fleece, Rose?"
• Little Franco's looking cute. It looks like he got a hair cut.
• Zach: "I could skip out on my Model UN trip, although, being Russia, I do get to wear the furry hat."
• Rose's wilderness kick reminds me of the time Summer Roberts went to Brown and became a hippy.
• Zach: "I just don't know if I'm ever going to be the kind of guy who can go number two in the woods."
• Sage: "I can't wait to come tomorrow."
  Marco: "And I can't wait to see what you wear!"
• Wow, for the first time ever, I'm agreeing with Will in an argument: I'm so over this too.
• You could have had Charlie, Megan. I bet you feel stupid now.
• I bet Marco's going to be disappointed with Sage's outfit. I know I am.
• Both Marco and Keith walked down the aisle together with Marco's grandma? Doesn't Keith have any family? What happened to that BFF girl of his?
• Did Marco get married on a school night?
• Since when is Sage so gung-ho on being open-minded and exploring new things? Has she ever mentioned anything like this ever before? Up until this point, all I remember her ever saying is that she likes being rich and that she'd do anything for her sister. It seems like she developed a completely new personality for this episode.
• Hey, this guy has an accent! I already like him better than Will.
• Rose: "I am balls to the balls terrified!"
• Do we really have to listen to Sage's report?
• Ha! Wow, they're really going to end the show with Megan in bed with the random British dude? That's ok; she didn't really want Will back anyway (or at least she shouldn't want him back).
• Oops. Once again, ladies and gentlemen, this is why you do not end a season of a struggling show with a cliffhanger.

(photo: cwtv.com)

Kyle XY: The Epic Post

Kyle XY:
I've been slacking off on both writing blog posts and watching Kyle XY, but I'm going to remedy that right now with this epic Kyle XY post. Four episodes, one post!

"In the Company of Men"
Classic. Turns out Drunk Kyle is all kinds of hilarious. His inebriated state reminded me of the good old days when he was completely socially inept and said and did inappropriate things all the time.

• Ugh--Josh trying to foist his porn magazines off on broken-hearted Kyle. Could Josh be any creepier?
• I loved when Nicole walked in on Jessi preparing to wipe Amanda completely out of Kyle's memory via some kind of electroshock therapy a la Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind. Kyle was just sitting there looking so glum.
• Foss! Goodness, I'd forgotten all about him.
• Um, if they were trying to cheer Kyle up and get his mind off his breakup with Amanda, they probably shouldn't have taken him right to the coffeehouse where Amanda works. When Kyle isn't thinking for these people, they sure do act dumb.
• Jessi has such a quick temper.
• I'm glad Declan didn't let Josh drink. Josh is bad enough sober. And even if the bartenders don't check IDs, who would ever think Josh looks old enough to drink?
• Kyle should be used to girls smiling at him by now. I mean, it must happen constantly.
• Kyle: "I tried that once and I did not like it."
• Kyle: "Ha ha, I don't get it."
• Eew, Andy doesn't wear deodorant! Ok, now that I think about it, that doesn't surprise me.
• Kyle: "I haven't thought about Amanda for 6 minutes and 43 seconds."
• Dancing Kyle!!
• It was so cute/funny when Kyle told the boys he loves them.
• Hey, Jessi's right--the Latnok guy is too old for her.
• I would have thought that Kyle could sing better than this. I mean, he is something of a musical genius after all.
• Kyle's drunk antics were hilarious: arm wrestling, showing off his still impeccable motor skills, etc. Definitely went too far when he started showing off his ability to telepathically control electricity, however. That's something you should probably keep under your hat.
• Kyle: "I have enjoyed bonding with you."
• Kyle: "Oh, Mr. Grumpy!"
• Girl: "You're like a magician or something!"
  Kyle: "Nope, I was born in a pod. I'm a science experiment."
• Kyle: "You've been trying to call me what?"
• Josh: "Oh man, now my butt smells like cabbage."
• I hope Nicole shreds her old patient files instead of just leaving them loose in the garbage can. Especially Kyle's and Jessi's.
• Kyle busting through the fence instead of going over it was hilarious.
• So Kyle can alter the polarity of his liver.
• Why is it so eerily dark and creepy right outside the coffee shop's entrance? Eesh.
• Oh, Declan's pissy because of his ankle? Who knew? He looks like he's walking around ok to me...
• Ok, I know I can be pretty harsh toward Josh, but I must give credit where credit is due: anyone who can use the phrase "Kyle's humongous ralph" in a sentence without dying of laughter is pretty impressive.
• Cassidy: "She's a bit icy, isn't she?"
• Yeah, Kyle, you have already lost Amanda, so you don't have anything to lose by telling her the truth about your past in the pod. I rarely agree with Declan, and even more rarely agree with both Declan and Josh, but they've got a point here.
• Adam died?! Oh my. I've got to say that his initial reaction to hearing that news was hands down some of the best acting I've seen from Matt Dallas.
  

"Life Support"
The world's most sarcastic pregnant lady causes Kyle, Nicole and Josh to get into a car accident. For Kyle's next trick, he delivers a baby in the woods and then saves Nicole's life.

• Nicole: "When someone you love dies, it can take a while to make sense of it all."
  Josh: "Yeah, especially since Baylin technically died twice."
• Geez, Kyle, where are your heightened reflexes now? Can't he sense the presence of people and objects for miles? If Kyle ended up that far into the woods, I'd hate to see what would have happened if a normal person had been driving.
• Can't Kyle just pull the whole car up the hill? He has super strength.
• Hey, people, didn't we learn anything from the car accident that just happened? Don't stand in the middle of the street!
• Ha, the feisty pregnant chick just called Kyle a "dumb little bunny."
• Jessi: "You shouldn't wear this color; it looks better on me."
• Josh: "Lucky for you, Kyle's an expert at wood births."
• I think Kyle should run somewhere really, really fast and get help. He could be back before too much time has gone by.
• Gretchen: "Really? You have ultrasound hands?"
• Dude, Gretchen is having a quick labor. On TV shows, why is it that women who go into labor in the woods or in an elevator or somewhere that's not a hospital always have the baby so much faster than women who are in a hospital?
• Ha, did Gretchen just call Josh "excitable sidekick"? She's good at making up funny nicknames.
  
• Kyle's going to stimulate the baby with a little charge?! Kyle and Jessi really are putting this new electricity trick to a lot of use.
• Gretchen: "I'm going to name him 'dumb little bunny' after you!"
• Gretchen: "I hope he has an inny. Outy belly buttons are just weird."
  Josh: "Just be glad he has one."
• Steven: "You're better than this."
  Lori: "Am I? Because I sort of thought I was the one who picked fights and then stood around like an idiot while everyone else solved the problem."
• This doctor guy in charge doesn't wonder why he's never seen Kyle before?
• Too bad we can't solve Nicole's health issues by just giving her an electrical shock. Kyle knows how to do that. Oh, hey, he is going to give it a try.
• The Trager kids sure are beating up the equipment in the hospital waiting room.
• Hmm, here's some more proof that Latnok is not evil: they blackmail a kid by withholding medicine that will save his mother's life until he agrees to join them. Yep, that's just all kinds of honorable.
• O true Baylin, thy fluid is quick!
  

"Welcome to Latnok"
Kyle becomes the cutest boy to ride on a hoverboard since Harry Osborne (James Franco) in Spider-Man 3.

• Amanda: "Even though we're not... it doesn't mean you have to give up smoothies. I'd still make you one if you wanted me to."
  Kyle: "Amanda, I still like smoothies."
• Amanda: "How about lasagna?"
  Kyle: "A lasagna smoothie?"
• Whoa, Jessi's rocking a strapless top!
• Jessi: "What's the point of dumping you if she still wants to talk?"
• Hey, Lori still plays the guitar. It's been awhile.
• Lori: "I'm writing a song for my mom."
  Jessi: "Don't you want her to feel better?"
• Lori: "Don't you have anything else you could be doing? Like magically lighting small animals on fire."
• Jessi: "I need a favor."
  Lori: "And you've teed it up so successfully."
• I thought Lori and Jessi were going to be nice to each other. This is not working out so well.
• Nathanial Harrison is kind of hunky for a science genius.
• Cassidy: "He thinks I'm an idiot because I have the IQ of a normal person. I don't take it personally--I've got better hair."
• I'm not buying into this Latnok crap.
• Wait, Lori's boyfriend cleared $180,000 last year? Holy crap, I take it back: Latnok's awesome. Ha.
• Lori: "I could stand on the street corner with my guitar."
  Josh: "You'd do better without the guitar."
• A hoverboard competition? How convenient! Are there really hoverboard competitions?
• Josh: "I blackmailed them out of Lori."
  Andy: "What do you have on Lori?"
  Josh: "Nothing. I just inferred things. She's a very guilty person."
• Eew, Josh is going to rent out Jessi's apartment as a sex house? Yuck.
• Wow, Jessi is a disaster at keeping secrets. Disaster.
• Why doesn't Josh tell his friends to cancel their appointments by calling his cell phone?
• Wow, Lori caved. She's getting to be as bad as Jessi at keeping secrets.
• Why in the hell would Nate be surprised that Kyle has a girlfriend? Look at Kyle, people!
• Kyle is mad sexy when he's peeved.
• Kyle's going to make a hoverboard out of stereo speakers?
• Lori: "You know Kyle. Loves to have fun with science!"
• Um, Kyle, let Jessi help. The more geniuses involved with this, the better.
• I like how Kyle's wearing all these pads to ride the hoverboard when he could totally jump off the roof and land on the driveway and be just fine.
• Wow, how did Jessi just buy magnets from an online supplier and have them already? They were shipped to her the same afternoon she bought them? Holy crap. I would not be too surprised if she's lying and she did really get them from Latnok. It's either that or she knows something about online shopping that I don't.
  
• I still can't believe that there are hoverboard competitions.
  
• Kyle's not wearing his crash pads.
• Josh: "I hope that thing doesn't explode. 'Experimental' and 'prototype' are just synonyms for 'kaboom'."
• $50,000 for that?
• Sorry, Andy, I don't think Cleveland is worse than cancer. Having to move sucks, yes, but let's not be overly dramatic here. After all, there was a whole 30 Rock episode devoted to how awesome Cleveland is. We're all models west of the Allegheny.
  
• Didn't Kyle wonder where the lasagna came from?
• Wow, I know Kyle = extremely dense, but this takes the cake. After all this time, he seriously had no idea that Jessi didn't want him to be with Amanda and wanted him for herself? It's not like she ever even tried to pretend like that that's not how she felt.
  

"Chemistry 101"
Kyle and Jessi invent a kick-ass pheromone necklace that could make them even more money than that silly old hoverboard. And Kyle again makes the superhero's choice and decides that he can't let the girl in on his secrets.

• Jessi: "...or it may have been ebola."
• Josh: "What? Is it my fault Cleveland is so lame?"
• Jessi's wearing another tube top. I guess she's found her signature look.
• Wow, a scene with just Kyle, Amanda, and Nate is awkward. Not the most natural of actors, those three.
• Kyle: "How could Amanda want to go out with such a...such a jerk!"
  Lori: "Kyle! Language, please!"
• Nate is not that hot of a dirtbag. I've seen much hotter dirtbags.
• Jessi: "Hey, we could throw an ice party! We could have everyone dress in white like at Diddy's parties."
• Listening to Kyle and Jessi trying to figure out romantic relationships is painful. The party theme, however, is kind of brilliant.
• Ooh, according the the mood ring, Jessi's in a really bad mood.
• Yea! A hair pulling out (for DNA purposes) scene! Those are always fun. Brothers and Sisters had a really fun one when Kevin tried to pull out a strand of Rebecca's hair during a family dinner.
• Did we know that Josh had a Cabbage Patch doll a la Dan Humphrey?
• Lori: "Remove the competition. Eliminate her. I didn't mean that literally!"
• Pheromone necklaces! Kyle and Jessi need to secure a patent on these things, pronto! It's genius.
• Is it just me, or does Jessi shower more than everyone else in this family?
• Jessi: "I don't want to be Downer Doug, Party Police."
  Kyle: "What's that?"
  Jessi: "That's what they call you."
  Kyle: "They do?
  Jessi: "Yes."
  Kyle: "Oh!"
• Why is Kyle delegating doing research to Declan? Does that seem like a good idea? He did seem to do a pretty good job though, shockingly enough. Maybe post-basketball Declan can find employment as a private investigator or something.
• Lori: "You need to sexify!"
• Jessi: "Well, I definitely don't know how to do that."
• Gasp! Jessi tampered with Amanda's pheromone necklace! I knew it was going to happen, but still I'm aghast. Kyle's totally going to be able to figure out what happened, isn't he? I guess not...
• I'm not sure that Jessi's new look is any sexier than what she was wearing before, but whatever.
• Mark: "I'm an embarrassing shade of lavender."
• Oh, good, Declan needs some action.
• Declan thinks he's about 80% good guy? That might be a little generous. Remember the time he found out he had a bum ankle and then got into a fight with the guy at the impound lot?
• Amanda! Little hussy!
• Lori: "Oh please, don't play all Martha Stewart pre-jail with me!"
• Lori: "Kyle deserves a hell of a lot better than someone who would pull this kind of crap behind his back."
• For being such a pervy kid, Josh's pheromones should do glow an awfully lovely color.
• Jessi: "All he's ever done is love you with his whole heart."
• Aww, Jessi, that was sweet. Maybe she's about 80% good guy too ;-)
• Well, there goes Lori's class and poise beyond her years...
• Who wouldn't love you, Andy? Um, I think that would be me. Have fun in Cleveland.
• Oh, dear, Sarah didn't really leave by her own accord (and might be dead or held captive somewhere). Poor Jessi. She's having a rough night.
• Ha ha ha, so Kyle, Jessi and Amanda are all soulmates. I'd suggest that we settle this whole matter with some sort of menage a trois, but that sounds too much like something Josh would say.

Sigh. I'm going to miss Kyle when he's gone (and everybody else--to varying degrees--too).

(photo: abcfamily.com)

Quick Round-Up: 02/04

Random (interesting) stuff from the world of television:

• I'm glad that I'm not the only one who thinks that Burn Notice's Fiona is 15 shades of awesome.
• I know this Yale stuff has gotten stressful, but unless B has had some sort of lobotomy, there's no excuse for this behavior: Gossip Girl SPOILER.
• Oh my poor sweet Kyle...
• I don't know why I even tried to watch last week's SNL (hosted by Steve Martin), but I instantly regretted it. I mean, seriously, more MacGruber? Why, God, why? When Laser Cats is far and away the pre-Weekend Update highlight, we've got a serious problem. But, ultimately, I was glad I toughed it out, because during Weekend Update new-ish cast member Abby Elliott unleashed a stellar Angelina Jolie impersonation. As in, she was so good that I spent a few moments wondering if maybe that was the real Angelina after all. And subsequently I've spent a lot of moments wondering why SNL has kept this gem under their hats for so long. They had to have known that this impression was great--I would have used it in the first skit of the night. Or every skit until someone else could come up with something funnier than Laser Cats or whatever annoying character Kristen Wiig is playing.
• I guess sometimes good does prevail over evil? Case in point: Greek SPOILER.
• I don't know who this singer is, and the song is no "Womanizer" (ha!), but the video features Ryan Hansen as a back-up dancer clad in '80s fitness attire. And that is all you really need to know.
• Lie To Me: My love for David Anders (my sweet Sark) has been well documented (by me). And I'm devoted: I stuck it out with Heroes (which was no easy task) until they decomposed/disintegrated him in front of my very eyes. But I just could not take last week's episode of Lie To Me in which DA guest starred. That show is insufferable with a capital "suffer." Granted, I was only trying to watch it during Lost's commercial breaks, but I couldn't even do that! The whole show is: the main investigators ask someone a question, the person answers, the main investigators proceed to verbally analyze every movement the person made while answering, repeat, repeat, repeat. There's only so much that you can take of: "You thrust your chin, which signifies defiance. Then you touched your neck, which signifies lying. Then you looked to the right, which signifies evasiveness. Then you patted your stomach, which signifies that you're hungry. Then you gave us the stink eye, which signifies that you think we're annoying. Etc." If anyone talked to you like that in real life, you'd seriously punch them in the face.
• And I know I'm about a year behind on this (what's a girl without Showtime to do?), but the second series of The Tudors is rocking my world. There's a lot of good television airing right now, but The Tudors is all I want to watch. Oy, how I love Jonathan Rhys Myers! And Natalie Dormer's Anne Boleyn is all kinds of fantastic. I'm considerably distressed by the inevitability of poor Anne getting her head cut off; I want her to stick around forever.
  

  

(photos: usanetwork.com and Showtime)

Gossip Girl: Damages

Gossip Girl:
"Carnal Knowledge"

After a second season full of many awesome episodes of Gossip Girl, this one was just good. Or maybe even just ok. The main problems were these:

• After Blair's speech about going into battle at the end of last week's episode, I really expected her to come up with a more impressive scheme to take down Miss Rachel Carr (New Teacher) than just posting a rumor on Gossip Girl. I could have come up with that--evil genius Blair Waldorf should be able to think up something so much better.
• Yet again Dan and Serena invented some silly reason to break up. We've only seen that happen at least 10 times already...
• I wonder when exactly I came to hate Dan Humphrey. He was absolutely my favorite part of the first two episodes of GG (remember The Wave? So cute). But now, I seriously detest everything about him.
  
• Chuck should not be left muddling through his own random subplot. Yes, I love Chuck. Yes, I'd watch him do about anything. But, no, we don't need to test my limits. Give him something to do other than tracking down high class escorts/nannies that have connections to secret societies. Personally I don't really care about what Bart was up to.
  
• Are we still pushing this Nate/Vanessa thing? It's time to abandon the sinking ship, folks.
• And, why is it that when we see a lot of Jenny Humphrey, I want to see much, much less of her, but when she makes herself scarce, I seriously miss her?

All that said, any episode of Gossip Girl has it's share of awesome quotes. Here's a list of some of them mixed with some of my other thoughts on "Carnal Knowledge":

• Since when does getting detention mean you have to pick up trash in the park? At Constance? Rich people allow this?
• Dorota: "Miss Blair, your martyr act: no good."
• Chuck! Why are you so hungover and slovenly today? I thought maybe we'd moved on from that. Guess not.
• Ha, Nelly's the only one of the minions not mouthing off to Blair, yet Blair knocks her book on the ground.
• No cell phone usage during school hours? These poor kids are going to die.
• Hazel's withdraw symptoms are causing her to air text.
• Dorota's spy sunglasses are hot.
• Blair: "Nelly Yuki, get a grip!"
• Why isn't Nate in school? Or Chuck? I mean I know that Vanessa is "home schooled" (which in her case means "not schooled at all"), but Nate and Chuck should be in school. I guess spring semester seniors at these schools really do get free passes like 14-year-old gymnasts...
• Chuck is sporting a hot new haircut.
• And Vanessa's sporting the neon-est of green pants ever. Eew.
• Um, she was wearing a mask--how does Chuck know that she was "the most beautiful woman [he'd] ever seen"?
• Oh, Blair just fell into this one. You barely even need to make something up here; Dan's practically feeling Miss Carr up in the middle of the hallway.
• Dan: "I'm glad that you're not wearing that raccoon makeup anymore. You looked like one of The Incredibles."
• Ha, I love that Jenny doesn't believe Dan when he tells her he's not hooking up with his teacher! She certainly has a low opinion of her brother.
• It's impressive that everyone in school knows what's on Gossip Girl even though they don't have their cell phones.
• Oh, come on! Annoying New Teacher (Rachel) is trying to ruin everything! Don't mess with Gossip Girl! Gossip Girl is an institution.
• Nelly Yuki! I'm shocked and appalled. She sold Blair out at the drop of a hat. And I don't think I understand why--why does she think it's her record or Blair's? No one thought Nelly started the rumor, so why would her record be in jeopardy?
• They're expelling Blair for starting a rumor?! That seems a little harsh.
• Hmm, I love John Shea something awful, but I kind of wish Eleanor were around to help handle this situation. Harold is a little blind to Blair's faults.
• Hahaha, Rufus thinks Dan's banging the teacher too!
• Why does New Teacher (Rachel) find it so important to be Serena and Dan's "friend"? That's totally not her job; she's being paid to be their teacher.
• Blair: "Dorota, give Handsome to a homeless man. Make sure he has kind eyes."
• Whoa, no wonder New Teacher (Rachel) doesn't know about Gossip Girl, she still uses an old-school date book.
• Chuck: "I'm late for my chiropractor. She's double-jointed. It makes the Kama Sutra feel new again."
• No, New Teacher, Dan is NOT your friend. If you need friends in the city, find somewhere else (besides the school you work in) to meets some! She is really asking for trouble--hanging out after school in a cafe with the student she's rumored to be banging?
  
• Holy moly! Dan, I don't care what is going on, never touch your teacher's face and/or hair!! Eew!
• Yea Serena! Way to take that picture! (I hope the glass window doesn't cause any problems with the photo quality.)
• I wonder if this secret society that Chuck's stumbled onto has anything to do with the secret society that Veronica Mars was investigating at the end of season 3? The Castle, I think they were called. Because if this subplot leads to a meeting between Chuck Bass and Veronica Mars, I will be wholeheartedly on board!
• Oberlin will take Blair even though she's been expelled?
• Blair: "Dorota, go get my dog back!"
• There aren't a whole lot of parents at this meeting.
• Why is New Teacher even at this meeting?
• Blair: "I believe it's called exculpatory evidence. I love Damages!" Ha ha ha, I bet Blair watches Damages to get new ideas for schemes and blackmail.
• Look, Serena, I don't care if he didn't kiss her--he shouldn't be touching her darn face!
• Dan: "I told you nothing was going on!" Then why were you touching her darn face?
• No, Dan, Miss Carr is the one should be punished. She is a professional; you are just a stupid, stupid kid.
• Whoa, Miss Carr has a hell of a nice apartment considering she claims to be such a poor, sad sack.
• Blair (to Handsome): "Ramon got you a Chanel beret."
• Aww, I'm going to miss Handsome.
• Oh, darn, Elle's gone missing. That's too bad.
• Well, Miss Carr's not a teacher now so why shouldn't Dan sleep with her?... Argh! Humphrey, where is your strict moral code now?
• And then of course Miss Carr's firing doesn't stick. Which sucks because I want this loser gone. Geez, why isn't there somebody with a camera phone hiding in Rachel's apartment?
• Gossip Girl has developed quite the knack for introducing guest characters with several episode story arcs, who show up and seem ok at first but then rapidly become so unredeemably annoying that there's no choice but to ship them off ASAP. (Examples: Georgina Sparks, Lord Marcus, Agnes, Jack Bass, Aaron Rose, etc.)
  

(photo: cwtv.com)