Gossip Girl Takes on Heroes

On Monday I watched Heroes and was struck (yet again) by how many freaking characters are actually on that show. So I was thinking that we almost need someone to help us keep them all straight, and then I had a brainstorm that Heroes needs to adopt a Gossip Girl-esque narrator (and since Kristen Bell's already on their payroll, what's stopping them?). Gossip Girl would help viewers keep track of the 7 million characters and, as an added bonus, through in snarky comments. And let's face it, if anyone deserves some snarky comments thrown at them, it's the people on Heroes. Here's my attempt at Gossip Girl summarizing this week's Heroes episode:

Hey, everybody! Gossip Girl here, bringing you all the dirt on your favorite (or least favorite, as the case may be) heroes. Sorry, folks--it doesn't matter how evolutionarily advanced you are or what magical powers you have, I still know everything you're up to...

Spotted: C-Bear and her new creepy boy-toy on a romantic rendezvous in the clouds. That's right, gossipers--C-Bear's new stalker/boyfriend has the same power as her bio-daddy N! They say girls always marry their fathers... Stay tuned though, because it turns out C-Bear's other beloved daddy kidnapped said sketchy boy back in the days he worked for the evil empire. This should make for some rousing family dinners!

Spotted: PP getting his Black Donnelly on with a crime family in Ireland. That's right--the scope of Gossip Girl's reach knows no geographical limits. It seems PP is content being an accomplice to robbery, kissing Irish girls and *not* wearing a shirt as often as possible. Are his days of mopey, crime-fighting idealism over? Could we be so lucky?

Spotted: M and Mama N leaving Las Vegas. If you didn't see them, don't feel bad--they were having the exact same conversation they've been having during at least 5 other sightings.

Spotted: The Terrible Twins in a Mexican prison. Girl Twin did her mascara-of-death act on the guards to spring her brother from the slammer. Somebody needs to hook her up with some waterproof Maybelline stat! Luckily, Boy Twin managed to quell her evil and oh-so-nebulous power, bringing everyone back to life. Twinsies made a break for it, taking with them the ass clown from one cell over, because apparently I don't have enough people to keep track of. Don't worry, fellow hero-worshipers, Gossip Girl is not easily deterred.

Spotted: H still in feudal Japan. You got it--Gossip Girl transcends both space and time. Seems H has succeeded in transforming his oh-so-wickedly-hot folk hero into a warrior, but still can't bring himself to leave without a certain princess. Sorry, H, since she's not blind, your chances aren't very good against that super-hottie. Time to come home to reunite with bff A, who is dangerously close to losing his job. A, I know you're reading this...it's time to stop reading gossip blogs and start doing your job!

As for the rest of you, stay tuned. Gossip Girl is amazing, but it's hard for even her to keep track of all of these chromosomal mutants. It is easier now that none of them are actually doing anything interesting.

Until next time... You know you love me.
XOXO -- Gossip Girl

(photos: nbc.com)